Steadfast
by finnstardust
Summary: When Elizabeth is shot during an offworld negotiation, John is forced to face the thought of losing her.


I have for a long time wanted to write a fic where Elizabeth is in danger and how John might react to that. So here's my attempt at a ShepAngst fic - I hope you like! Let me know!

* * *

John Sheppard paced restlessly around Elizabeth Weir's office, stopping occasionally to pick up one or other of the strange foreign objects she had on her desk, fingers briefly grazing the Athosian vase he had given her for her birthday on the previous year. He stared at the ornament for a while, before resuming his pacing with a frustrated sigh, raking his fingers through his hair for the hundredth time.

A quiet knock from the doorway interrupted John's thoughts and he spun around, hoping nothing more than to see the familiar red t-shirt and those sparkling green eyes. Hell, he would take those eyes right now even if they were filled with hatred or accusations, filled with questions he couldn't provide answers to, or shadowed with the hurt that had appeared before she had turned away from him and stepped through the gate nearly 24 hours previously.

Kate Heightmeyer's face fell at the hope and unspoken need in John's eyes, and the way his shoulders sagged when the realization that she wasn't Elizabeth sunk in.

"I'm sorry, John. I know I'm not the person you want to see right now." Kate took a few hesitant steps into the room and faced the Colonel. "You should get some rest."

John rubbed his tired face. "Any news?"

Kate shook her head. "You know you'll be the first one to know if anything changes. I wish I had better news but we haven't had any radio contact with Elizabeth or anyone in Major Lorne's team for almost five hours now. That makes them three hours overdue."

John swallowed heavily. "We HAVE to send another team! Something's happened; Elizabeth would never forget to check in like that."

"It's not safe, John." Kate sighed heavily. "If something has happened…we cannot risk another team without knowing what they'd be up against."

John swirled around, fury in his eyes. "That's _Elizabeth_ out there, Doctor. I'm not just going to leave her there and wish for the best. Not her and not any of Lorne's men. I'm going."

"John, wait!" Kate rushed out of the office after the Colonel who had already made it to the control room; passing Rodney, Teyla, and Ronon, whose faces portrayed the same worry as everyone else's.

"Have you heard anything?" Teyla asked the other woman, even though the expression on the psychiatrist's face told her everything she needed to know.

Kate shook her head. "No, but John wants to…"

The Stargate, suddenly activating, cut her off. The technician standing nearest to it beat all speed records crossing the distance to the control panel.

"Unscheduled off-world activation", he shouted and everybody in the room anxiously jumped to their feet. "I'm reading Major Lorne's IDC."

* * *

John had rushed down the stairs and was on his way to the armoury when the familiar sound informed him of the Gate's activation. He turned on his tracks, just in time to see Major Lorne stepping through, half-carrying, half-dragging someone behind him. John felt something very cold gripping his heart as his eyes caught a glimpse of the blood-soaked red t-shirt the other person was wearing.

"Raise the shield! We have a medical emergency!" Lorne barely managed to get the words out before dropping down to his knees, next to Elizabeth whom he had lowered on the floor. She was horribly still.

Beckett's team was already rushing to them down the stairs but John made it to Elizabeth first, slamming his fingers on the artery in her neck, desperately searching for a pulse. His hand was shaking so badly that he wasn't sure if the tiny flutter he felt was his own fear or Elizabeth's pulse still beating under his fingers.

"John." Beckett was pulling him to his feet. "Let me take a look at her, lad."

Elizabeth was surrounded by the medical team, as was Lorne, and John backed off, trembling, fighting the urge to be sick all over the floor. It took him a moment to realize Lorne and Elizabeth had been the only ones to come through; the rest of her 10-strong security team were nowhere to be seen.

"What the hell happened?" He fought his way through the medics to Lorne's side. "Where is everyone else?"

"He's unconscious, Colonel. Please give them room to work." A nurse grasped his arm, gently leading him away. "He's not up for answering any questions now."

"John." Teyla was at his side, nodding to the nurse to signal she could return to the patients. "Come. There is nothing you can do right now."

He glanced at the Athosian woman, her eyes full of sympathy and understanding as they flickered from his face to Beckett's team, which had lifted Elizabeth and Lorne onto the gurneys and were moving them towards the infirmary. Beckett's expression was perhaps more serious than John had maybe ever seen it before, and he was absolutely horrified by the amount of blood that remained on the floor; on the spot where Elizabeth had been lying.

* * *

He had no idea how long he had been sitting outside the infirmary, waiting for news of Elizabeth's condition. Somewhere, in the panicked haze, he spared a few thoughts, assessing why he was feeling like this; why he desperately needed her to be all right, and how he would never, ever get over it if he lost her, especially after the argument they had, right before she had left Atlantis with Lorne's team.

A couple of weeks previously they had discovered a new planet on one of their missions. The locals were friendly enough, but naturally wary of strangers, so John and his team had returned to Atlantis, knowing Elizabeth would be interested in negotiating with them for some crops, and definitely in taking a look at some old ancient texts the locals had shown them. Elizabeth had been interested but her busy schedule had kept her in the city for almost two weeks, during which time, John and his team had embarked on another mission; one that lead to an ambush and landed both him and Teyla in the infirmary for three days and banned his entire team from active duty until further notice. Which was exactly why he hadn't been able to accompany Elizabeth to the planet himself, and despite his insistence that she waited until he was cleared for duty again, she had assured him that Lorne's team would look after her and that the natives of the planet had never given her any reason to doubt their friendliness.

John had pleaded with her, shouted at her, told her they would go back and take pictures of the texts and bring them back for her to translate, tried everything he could to make his case, but she had been adamant and in the end he had managed to piss her off, resulting in a magnificent shouting match in her office, in front of almost half of the Atlantis personnel who had gathered in the control room. He remembered the way her green eyes had spat furious sparks at him as she screamed from the top of her lungs that she could very well take care of herself and didn't need him there to baby-sit her every waking minute. He had been too stunned to speak for several minutes and Elizabeth had huffed in anger, glaring at him defiantly before gathering her gear and heading out of the office to Major Lorne's awaiting team.

John sighed and buried his head into his hands, fingers rubbing at his temples. He could feel tiredness heavily pressing at every inch of his body but fought it off, adamant to stay awake until Beckett would come to give him the news, good or bad.

It turned out he didn't have to wait very long. Teyla, Ronon and Rodney had just arrived to ask for an update when Carson appeared, pulling on a clean gown, his face exhausted but determined, and John jumped to his feet.

"How are they?"

"The Major is stable." Carson snapped on a pair of surgical gloves. "Elizabeth…I have to take her into the operating room. She was shot pretty badly and I can't stop the internal bleeding without surgery."

John's mind seemed to stop at the words 'internal bleeding' and 'surgery' and he leaned heavily against the wall. Ronon, in a gesture not very common to him, placed his hand on John's shoulder and squeezed a little.

"Will she be all right?"

Carson's face was grave. "I have to warn you all; her condition is very serious. I will do my best but if the bleeding is too bad…"

He didn't have to finish the sentence; the four people listening to him understood nevertheless. Carson nodded and hurried off towards the operating theatre, and John gave in to his trembling legs, flopping back down on the chair.

"What the hell happened out there?"

"Something that should never have happened!" Rodney's voice was rising, like it always did when the scientist was nervous or angry. "She should never have gone out there."

"Yes, I know that and I tried my best to keep her from going!" John snapped back. "She didn't listen to me."

"Well you should have made her listen! She could die, John, do you understand that?"

John was on his feet in a flash and approached the scientist, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Yes, I do realize that very well. And how do you think it makes me feel? To know I could have prevented this if I had been more determined to keep her from going. So do not tell me what I should have done, Rodney, because I know damn well."

"It was no one's fault", Teyla said gently, stepping between the two men. "Elizabeth was determined to go, everybody knew that. Nobody is blaming you, John." She gave a meaningful look to Rodney, who huffed something to himself before nodding.

"I wasn't saying it was your fault, just that…"

"We know what you were saying, McKay." Ronon nodded, stepping to Teyla's aid.

John let out a heavy sigh. The last thing he needed was bickering about this when Elizabeth could be bleeding to death in surgery.

"I'm going to the observation room. I want to see what's happening."

He walked away quickly, not seeing the sad looks the others sent after him, or the hand Teyla placed on Rodney's shoulder to keep the scientist from following him.

* * *

John pressed his forehead against the cool glass of the observation window, taking a deep breath before slowly opening his eyes and taking in the scene of the room below.

Elizabeth was so pale, so horribly pale, her chest rising and falling as the machines breathed for her, filling her lungs with oxygen. He watched Beckett work somewhere in the region of her stomach, shouting orders with a very, very worried look on his face. John's eyes shifted from the Doctor to the heart monitor showing Elizabeth's vitals; he couldn't see the exact numbers but the monitor seemed to be displaying a relatively steady rhythm and that comforted him slightly; at least her heart was still beating; she was still alive.

He stayed still for a long while, hands gripping the railing, eyes fixed on Elizabeth's face, begging her to be all right, to pull through this so he could apologize to her for everything he had ever done wrong during their time in Atlantis. Hell, he'd promise her anything she wanted, if she would only stay with him. They all needed her so much. _He_ needed her so much; yet he was nowhere near ready to even think about how much exactly he needed her in his life.

John's eyes became blurred. He didn't know whether it was out of tiredness or the tears threatening to escape, and he impatiently rubbed a hand across them, momentarily taking his attention away from Elizabeth and focusing on what Carson was doing. Suddenly, he realized the doctor was looking up at him, obviously guessing that was the only place he could be right now, and heard his own sharp intake of breath at the look on Carson's face, then at the small shake of head he saw the doctor give.

"No", he whispered at the empty room. "Please don't give up on her. Elizabeth, you can't give up."

He couldn't recognize the small whimpers filling the room as his own voice, repeating her name over and over again, and then his legs gave way, failing to hold him standing, and he sank to the floor, just as Elizabeth's heartbeat disappeared from the monitor.

* * *

"John? John!"

Carson Beckett's strong Scottish accent entered his consciousness, but not before the Doctor had repeated his name at least half a dozen times, gently shaking his shoulder.

He blinked a few times, before realizing he was still in the observation room, sitting on the floor, and Carson was kneeling in front of him, looking worried.

"Are you all right, lad?"

"She's dead", John heard his own voice say, somewhere far, far away. "How could I be all right?"

Carson frowned. "Elizabeth? No, she's not dead, John. Her condition is very serious but she pulled through the operation."

John clambered to his feet, turning to look into the theatre, fully expecting to see Elizabeth lying there, lifeless, despite Carson's words, but the table was empty, and the room spotless once again. Not even a drop of her blood anywhere.

"But…I saw…the monitor, her heart stopped."

Carson nodded. "Aye, it did stop for a few moments, and for a while there I really thought we had lost her but she came back to us, John. She's a fighter, that lassie, she really is."

John swallowed, scared of asking the next question. "Will she be all right?"

Carson motioned towards the door and guided the Colonel to the hallway. "The next 24 hours are critical. If there are no problems, then yes, I'm expecting her to make it. But John, you have to understand that her injuries are very serious. I managed to stop the internal bleeding but she's going to have a long recovery ahead."

They had arrived at the infirmary and where met by the rest of John's team, hovering around the door, trying to steal peeks into the room.

"Can we go see Elizabeth? And where have _you_ been?"

"Hello to you too, Rodney." John chuckled tiredly, glancing at Carson. "Can we?"

The Doctor nodded. "Aye, you may. But one at a time, and only for a few minutes. She is still under the anaesthetic however, so you can speak to her but you won't get any reply. And you", he pointed at John, "are getting something to eat or I'm not letting you in."

John opened his mouth to complain but the Doctor was already steering him along the corridor. "On to the mess hall with you. She's not going anywhere."

He hesitated. "Are you sure?"

Carson sighed. "Colonel, I know you are worried, as we all are, but…Elizabeth is exceptionally strong. You know that."

A slight smile flickered on John's face. "She is, isn't she? She's the strongest out of all of us."

* * *

He got a turkey sandwich out of the deserted mess hall and radioed the infirmary, only to hear Rodney had insisted on spending too much time by Elizabeth's side, so Ronon and Teyla were still waiting for their turn. John went to his quarters and changed out of clothes that were stiff with her blood, her life force that she had come so close to losing. His jaw clenched; he never, ever wanted to see these clothes again.

After taking a quick shower and dressing in civvies, he returned to the infirmary just as Teyla exited from Elizabeth's bedside. The Athosian woman smiled. "Doctor Beckett says she is already showing some improvement. He thinks she might wake up soon."

"That's wonderful to hear." He released a breath he had been unconsciously holding ever since leaving his quarters; the worry that something would have happened to her on his way back. "You three need to get some sleep, OK? Have you been to see Major Lorne?"

"Yes, he's sleeping now but he'll be fine."

"Escaped with a few cuts and bruises", Rodney scoffed. "How lucky is that?"

"Very. Come on, Rodney, we don't know everything that happened. And we won't until they've recovered enough to tell us, so let's not make any assumptions, all right?"

Elizabeth was still very pale; her eyelashes dark against her ghostly white cheeks, but the heart monitor was beating a slow, steady rhythm. John sat on the chair that was pulled next to her bed and carefully picked up her hand, squeezing her fingers.

"God, Liz", he sighed, lifting his other hand to push some hair from her forehead. "You scared me to death. I thought we had agreed to stop that."

He smiled softly, squeezing her hand again. "I don't know if you can hear me but…I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for what happened before you left, the argument…I shouldn't have doubted you, Elizabeth, I know that. I was just…" He frowned, looking for the right words. "I guess I just wanted to go with you, just to make sure you were safe. I can't trust that task to anyone else."

He took a deep, shaking breath, fighting off the tears rising into his eyes. "I thought you were dead, Liz. And I felt…I felt like I wanted to be dead too. I can't do this on my own. Atlantis needs you…I need you. Don't you ever forget that."

"John?" Carson peeked in from the door. "You need to get some sleep. I'll radio you immediately if there is any change."

He nodded, wiping a few stray tears from his cheeks. "Just give me a minute."

Carson nodded, withdrawing back into his office and John stood up, leaning forward to press his lips on Elizabeth's forehead.

"Don't ever do that to me again, okay? I don't think I could deal with it."

* * *

John slept like a log, long and deep, for once not plagued by the Wraith and other monsters in his dreams. In fact, for the first time in a while he couldn't remember having any dreams at all.

He rushed to the infirmary immediately after showering and grabbed some breakfast from the mess hall on the way. Elizabeth was still unconscious when he arrived, but her heartbeat was stronger and Carson's relieved face was all he needed to feel ten times better.

Major Lorne was released from the infirmary that afternoon, so John scheduled a briefing in Elizabeth's office about the previous day's events, after getting permission from Carson. The Major was somewhat shaken up, his face bruised and a large cut stitched above his left eye but he hadn't suffered any serious injuries.

"What happened out there?" John asked the question that was burning in his mind; he had to know. Not only what had happened to Elizabeth but to the other members of the team as well.

"It was a set-up." Lorne rubbed his face. "They took us to the cave where the texts were and Elizabeth…she wanted to bring them back to Atlantis and at first it seemed like they were fine with it."

John nodded. "Go on."

"When we were going back to the Gate…they started firing. They got Peterson and Simpson and…I was closest to Elizabeth so I tried to protect her and fire back but there was just too many of them. We did manage to take out quite a few but…"

The Major's jaw was clenching and John felt bad for having to make him go through the horrible events again.

"There was only myself and Major Stones left. We were really close to the Gate so I shouted to Elizabeth to dial it and she'd started doing that when one of them…I didn't even realize she had been shot at first, she continued dialling the Gate and…It was only when they got Stones, and I looked at her, that I noticed."

Tears rose into the young Major's eyes. "Even though she was shot she completed the dialling sequence. The Gate activated and I grabbed her and just went through. I…I seriously thought she was dead."

John had to bite his own lip, out of frustration, and out of sadness and admiration at both Lorne's and Elizabeth's actions. "Damn, we should have done more thorough checks on them. I'm sure there would have been something, anything that would have hinted they were not who we first thought them to be."

"There wasn't", Lorne reminded him. "Elizabeth checked everything twice. We couldn't of known."

"I should have been there." John rubbed his face. "I should never have let her go in the first place, and I should have been there."

"Sir, I don't think there was anything you could have done. You would only have put yourself at risk as well."

"Well maybe I wouldn't feel this guilty if I had!" He raised his voice and heads turned in the control room. "She could have died and I…I was just sitting here."

"Colonel…"

John's earpiece crackled and he tapped it twice to answer. "Sheppard."

"This is Beckett. You might want to come to the infirmary. Our patient's waking up."

"I'll be right there."

He rushed out of the office, leaving behind a bewildered and slightly scared Major Lorne.

* * *

Carson was just about to remove Elizabeth's breathing tube when John arrived in the infirmary.

"Just in time. She's breathing well on her own now, so I can take this out. This might feel slightly uncomfortable, love, sorry about that." He yanked the tube out with one quick pull and Elizabeth dissolved into a coughing fit, gasping for breath.

"There you go. Don't try to talk yet, your throat is probably very sore." He pulled an oxygen mask over Elizabeth's face. "Let's have that on for a bit, just in case."

He shot John a stern look. "She needs a lot of rest so only a few moments, all right?"

"Yes, Doctor." He took a seat by her bed again, smiling down at her. "Hey there."

Elizabeth weakly lifted her hand to pull off the oxygen mask. "Hi."

"How are you feeling?"

She groaned. "Depends…how many trucks exactly ran over me?"

He smiled. "Quite a few. Welcome back."

She closed her eyes for a minute. "Is the city still standing?"

"Yes." He found her hand and squeezed it. "But it has missed you terribly. We all have."

Her green eyes opened again – God he had missed those eyes so much - focusing on his and a small smile appeared on the corners of her mouth. "I've missed you too, John."

* * *

Carson kept Elizabeth in the infirmary for nearly a week, only releasing her after she proved herself to be an even worse patient than John, and the Doctor swore to never allow her out of the city again if there was any chance she'd get hurt.

She was out on the balcony, leaning on the railing, enjoying the warm breeze when John found her. His heart skipped a beat at how amazing it felt to see her out here after death had brushed her so closely. The door closed behind him and she turned her head slightly, dark curls moving in the breeze.

"How goes running the city?"

He chuckled, stepping to stand next to her. "I seriously don't know how you do it, Elizabeth. I'm drowning in paperwork and all the meetings on top of that…"

She smiled slightly. "You'll get used to it."

"But you see, that's the thing. I don't want to get used to it. I want to see you back in your place, as the leader. This city is going to go haywire if Rodney and I have to keep making executive non-military decisions for much longer."

Elizabeth didn't respond, just staring out over the ocean, a frown on her face and he nudged her with his elbow, careful not to touch her anywhere near the gunshot wound. "Are you okay?"

"Hmm?" She was startled out of her musings. "Yeah, I'm fine, John."

He watched her carefully for a moment. "Sure about that?"

"Yeah, I was just…thinking."

"Care to share?"

She swallowed and a frown appeared again in her brow. "Carson told me…he told me my heart stopped during the surgery."

John took a deep breath. "I know. That is something I never want to go through again."

"Yeah, well, me neither." She smiled slightly. "It's…surreal, you know? Knowing that I was so close to death. I guess it was the same for you…with the Iratus bug. When they had to stop your heart."

"Yes." He turned to fully face her. "But I wasn't saying…what I meant was I never want to experience _you_ going through it again."

She bit her lip. "John…."

"I mean it. Listen, I know we had that argument before you left…"

Elizabeth looked down, then back into his eyes. "I don't really want to think about that. I don't want to think about how we would have left things if I hadn't…"

"Shh", he placed a finger across her lips. "Don't say that, okay? Don't even think about it. What I'm saying…I'm never letting you step through that gate without me again, you hear that? Never."

Her eyes darted from his to everywhere else, right now too confused and too scared of her own strong emotions to think about what exactly lay behind his words.

"Elizabeth." She felt his strong fingers lifting her jaw, grazing the silky skin of her cheek and a shiver ran along her spine. "I'm never letting you out of my sight again."

Tears forced their way out of her eyes, spilling down her cheeks and he kissed them away. Her eyes closed and a deep sigh of contentment escaped her lips. John continued to kiss his way along her face, memorizing it like he was afraid she would disappear from him at any moment, and she clung onto him, feeling such gratitude at having survived, and having been given another chance at life.

And when he finally kissed her, he did from all his heart, pouring into the touch all the feelings towards her that had built in him during the past week, perhaps even during the past two years he had known her. Getting back to leading their city could wait; right now all he wanted to do was to be here with her, letting her know exactly how he was feeling and how relieved he was she hadn't been taken away from him.

* * *

Sorry about the ending going a bit over-fluffy, I couldn't resist! Please review!


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